When you were here before, Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh
She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...run... run...Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
my only secret
. . . . .
i want to be anorexic -
thanks to counting carbs and calories.
thanks to my personal trainer
thanks to my family...
i hate myself more than anything.....
i will be so skinny i cant stand, even if it kills me.
i want to be anorexic -
thanks to counting carbs and calories.
thanks to my personal trainer
thanks to my family...
i hate myself more than anything.....
i will be so skinny i cant stand, even if it kills me.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
the words of a twisted mind....
Borderline Personality Disorder: a serious mental illness characterised by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self – image and behaviour. There is a high rate of self injury without suicide intent. While a person with depression typically endures the same moods for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression and anxiety that may only last for hours or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self – injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. People with BPD exhibit impulsive behaviours, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex.
Why won’t anything get better for me?
I don’t want to write about suicide anymore. I know what its like to want to die, but when you see it, I mean, really see death, it feels different. When the words “border line personality disorder” fell from the doctors’ mouth I saw death, the death of my future. What type of police officer falls under the definition above? Have you ever confused life with a dream? Or stolen something when you had the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train was moving while sitting still?
I know what it feels like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. When you don’t want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can’t believe our minds…What’s wrong with me? What the fuck is going on inside my head? Tell me… What is your diag – nonsense! Razors pain you, rivers damp you, acid stains you, drugs cause cramps, guns are lawful, nooses give, gas smells bad, and you might as well live.
Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid and ignorant. But I’d rather be in it. I’d rather be fucking in it than be down here with you!
It is easy to slip into a parallel universe. There are so many of them: worlds of the insane, the criminal, the crippled, the dying, perhaps of the dead as well. These worlds exist alongside this world and resemble it, but are not in it.
That’s what ther-rape-me’s all about. That’s why fucking Freud’s pictures on every shrink’s wall. He created a fuckin’ industry. You lie down, you confess your secrets and you’re saved. Ca-ching! The more you confess, the more they think about settin’ you free! – But what if you don’t have a secret!!!
I heard the footsteps coming and I knew this would be another long night
and something inside me screamed this time really isn’t right
the words he was saying were ruthless and cruel
and each time he hit me I sat there and obeyed each and every rule
I sat there blank faced and scared knowing that I couldn’t cry
for all I knew what would happen if he saw the tears in my eyes
each and every swing felt worse and worse
and then all I wanted was the be dead in a hearse
he got real close and whispers “bitch I wish you weren’t alive”
and all I was thinking was you’re right, I wish I wouldn’t survive
he threw against the wall then proceeded to pin me to the ground
He hit me again, covered my mouth, not letting me make a sound
I started to struggle and tried to release myself of his forceful grip
the next thing I heard was a loud, horrifying rip
his hands were cold and I cringed at first touch
I don’t understand how a father could hate his daughter so much
I froze and I couldn’t believe what was going on
I just kept looking at the clock wanting him to be gone
I tried so badly not to think of the sharp pain
and this wasn’t part of his usual game
I closed my eyes wishing time would pass
and by the next time I opened them I would be up in the sky
He pushed harder and harder and excruciating pain was all I felt
the next thing I heard was the unbuckling of his belt
something happened inside of me that I can not explain
Somehow, someway I got out just in time
but what he has already done will never get out of my mind
From then on my life has been forever changed it was like all I knew had been rearranged
I hate him with everything I have in me and much more
and one day I want to end this war!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
heating. Cooling. Which to choose, nothings stagnant always changing. Where are the rules we thought we drew? Why must life be misbehaving?
cold hands, sore feet
you’ve been walking for an hour on abandoned streets
week knees, and fresh scares
it’s a struggle when you’re losing track of who you are
The words you stole won’t save your soul
they can only buy you time
Light a candle, or curse the dark
it’s all about the same to me
start a fire, or drown the spark
and shake away the heat
tell the truth or live a lie
just dont close your eyes
let down, and so spent
you’ve been holding up the world with your good intent
Help out, like you should
it’s a burden that you never really understood
But Caroline, I’m doing fine
It’s the others who are dying
Light a candle, or curse the dark
it’s all about the same to me
start a fire, or drown a spark
and shake away the heat
tell the truth or live a lie
Be a burden or a prize
stick around or say goodbye
just don’t close your eyes
and you’re breaking
but you’re faking nothing’s ever wrong
and concealing what you’re feeling
always standing strong
but you don’t need
to act like you don’t bleed
when you come falling down
cuz there is no healing when you’re not feeling
anything at all.
Why won’t anything get better for me?
I don’t want to write about suicide anymore. I know what its like to want to die, but when you see it, I mean, really see death, it feels different. When the words “border line personality disorder” fell from the doctors’ mouth I saw death, the death of my future. What type of police officer falls under the definition above? Have you ever confused life with a dream? Or stolen something when you had the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train was moving while sitting still?
I know what it feels like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. When you don’t want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can’t believe our minds…What’s wrong with me? What the fuck is going on inside my head? Tell me… What is your diag – nonsense! Razors pain you, rivers damp you, acid stains you, drugs cause cramps, guns are lawful, nooses give, gas smells bad, and you might as well live.
Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid and ignorant. But I’d rather be in it. I’d rather be fucking in it than be down here with you!
It is easy to slip into a parallel universe. There are so many of them: worlds of the insane, the criminal, the crippled, the dying, perhaps of the dead as well. These worlds exist alongside this world and resemble it, but are not in it.
That’s what ther-rape-me’s all about. That’s why fucking Freud’s pictures on every shrink’s wall. He created a fuckin’ industry. You lie down, you confess your secrets and you’re saved. Ca-ching! The more you confess, the more they think about settin’ you free! – But what if you don’t have a secret!!!
I heard the footsteps coming and I knew this would be another long night
and something inside me screamed this time really isn’t right
the words he was saying were ruthless and cruel
and each time he hit me I sat there and obeyed each and every rule
I sat there blank faced and scared knowing that I couldn’t cry
for all I knew what would happen if he saw the tears in my eyes
each and every swing felt worse and worse
and then all I wanted was the be dead in a hearse
he got real close and whispers “bitch I wish you weren’t alive”
and all I was thinking was you’re right, I wish I wouldn’t survive
he threw against the wall then proceeded to pin me to the ground
He hit me again, covered my mouth, not letting me make a sound
I started to struggle and tried to release myself of his forceful grip
the next thing I heard was a loud, horrifying rip
his hands were cold and I cringed at first touch
I don’t understand how a father could hate his daughter so much
I froze and I couldn’t believe what was going on
I just kept looking at the clock wanting him to be gone
I tried so badly not to think of the sharp pain
and this wasn’t part of his usual game
I closed my eyes wishing time would pass
and by the next time I opened them I would be up in the sky
He pushed harder and harder and excruciating pain was all I felt
the next thing I heard was the unbuckling of his belt
something happened inside of me that I can not explain
Somehow, someway I got out just in time
but what he has already done will never get out of my mind
From then on my life has been forever changed it was like all I knew had been rearranged
I hate him with everything I have in me and much more
and one day I want to end this war!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
heating. Cooling. Which to choose, nothings stagnant always changing. Where are the rules we thought we drew? Why must life be misbehaving?
cold hands, sore feet
you’ve been walking for an hour on abandoned streets
week knees, and fresh scares
it’s a struggle when you’re losing track of who you are
The words you stole won’t save your soul
they can only buy you time
Light a candle, or curse the dark
it’s all about the same to me
start a fire, or drown the spark
and shake away the heat
tell the truth or live a lie
just dont close your eyes
let down, and so spent
you’ve been holding up the world with your good intent
Help out, like you should
it’s a burden that you never really understood
But Caroline, I’m doing fine
It’s the others who are dying
Light a candle, or curse the dark
it’s all about the same to me
start a fire, or drown a spark
and shake away the heat
tell the truth or live a lie
Be a burden or a prize
stick around or say goodbye
just don’t close your eyes
and you’re breaking
but you’re faking nothing’s ever wrong
and concealing what you’re feeling
always standing strong
but you don’t need
to act like you don’t bleed
when you come falling down
cuz there is no healing when you’re not feeling
anything at all.
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